When couples say “I do,” they’re usually head-over-heels in love, dreaming of a happily-ever-after. But according to psychologist Dr. Gary J. Oliver, co-author of Mad About Us: Moving from Anger to Intimacy with Your Spouse, many of those same couples later find themselves mad at each other instead of madly in love.

Over decades of working with thousands of couples—both newlyweds and long-marrieds—Dr. Oliver found a common pattern: Most couples aren’t prepared for healthy conflict. And when you don’t know how to fight well, those small arguments can grow into deep relationship cracks.

“Most failed relationships come down to this,” says Dr. Oliver. “Couples don’t know how to handle their differences, process anger in healthy ways, or engage in constructive conflict.”

Let’s be honest: disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. In fact, those quirky differences you found so cute when dating can become major friction points after marriage. And while it’s tempting to avoid conflict entirely, doing so can actually harm your relationship more than help it.

Dr. Oliver says over 96% of couples he’s worked with believe conflict is bad and should be avoided. But here’s the truth: not all conflict is harmful. In fact, learning how to engage in healthy conflict can bring couples closer and increase intimacy.

“The key is learning to respond instead of react,” says Dr. Oliver. “When you feel misunderstood, your relationship starts to feel unsafe—and safety is crucial for intimacy.”

Understanding Anger: Myths vs. Truths

A major roadblock to healthy conflict? Misunderstanding anger.

Here are common myths about anger—along with the truth:

• Myth: If I don’t look angry, I don’t have an anger issue.
  Fact: You can struggle with anger even if it doesn’t show on the surface. 
• Myth: Anger always leads to violence.
  Fact: Anger doesn’t have to be destructive. It can be healthy and even helpful when expressed appropriately. 
• Myth: Expressing anger will ruin my relationship.
  Fact: Healthy anger, expressed with love and respect, can actually build trust and understanding. 
• Myth: Spiritual people don’t get angry.
  Fact: Everyone gets angry—what matters is how you handle it. 
• Myth: Stuffing your anger is the safest route.
  Fact: Bottling anger often leads to resentment or explosive outbursts. Healthy expression leads to healing. 
• Myth: Just “dump” your anger to get it out.
  Fact: Dumping often causes damage. Instead, take time to understand your anger and express it constructively.

Anger Isn’t the Problem—Unhealthy Expression Is

From road rage to domestic violence, we see the damaging effects of unhealthy anger everywhere. But anger itself isn’t the enemy.

“Anger is energy—and energy is neutral,” says Dr. Oliver. “You can choose to use it to destroy or to build up your relationship.”

In fact, healthy anger can be a powerful warning light—a sign that something deeper needs attention in your relationship.

At a party, a husband made a serious comment during a conversation. His wife—without realizing he was serious—joked about it, and his friends laughed. He felt embarrassed and hurt. Later in the car, she noticed something was wrong. When she asked him if something was wrong, initially he said, “nothing,”but after some prodding, he let loose his frustration.

Using Dr. Oliver’s 7-Steps to managing conflict, they had a major breakthrough: She didn’t realize he was serious. He didn’t realize how often he’d felt dismissed. They apologized, understood each other’s perspective, and moved forward stronger than before. This wasn’t just about resolving conflict, it was about deepening their trust and emotional connection.

7 Steps to Manage Conflict in Marriage

Want to learn how to handle conflict in a healthier, more productive way? Here are Dr. Oliver’s seven practical steps:

1. Define the Issue
   What’s really going on here? Listen carefully to your spouse’s concerns—and clarify your own. 
2. Assess Importance
   On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this issue to your spouse and to you? 
3. Own Your Part
   Ask yourself: What have I done to contribute to this issue?

4. Apologize if Needed
   If you’ve hurt your spouse, own it. A sincere apology can go a long way. 
5. Take Radical Responsibility
   Don’t wait for your spouse to make the first move—be the one to initiate healing. 
6. Create a Plan for Change
   What can each of you do differently moving forward? 
7. Follow Through
   Revisit the issue, check your progress, and keep the conversation going.

Healthy Conflict Builds Intimacy

It might sound strange, but arguing well is one of the best ways to grow closer in your marriage. When your spouse takes time to truly understand you—even when you disagree—it sends a powerful message: You matter to me.

“This type of love creates emotional safety,” says Dr. Oliver. “And safety leads to trust, which is the foundation of deep intimacy.”

Conflict is a part of every marriage—but it doesn’t have to tear you apart. When handled with love, honesty, and respect, it can actually bring you closer than ever before.

Want to move from “mad at each other” to “mad about each other”? Start by learning how to fight fair, listen well, and build trust—one honest conversation at a time.

Click links below for resources

Mad About Us

Hope and Healing for Unhealthy Anger